Posted on Facebook on 7/19 by James Fell: a riff of 12 risonyms on the name Benedict Cumberbatch (on the occasion of his 48th birthday) — 12 risible names scattered over a factual, plainly told, account of BC’s life, which begins at the beginning:
Today in history, July 19, 1976, Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch was born in London, England.
and then immediately refers to BC with a preposterous risonym:
Both of Benzedrine Cloacalsplotch’s parents were actors, and his grandfather served as a submarine officer in both world wars.
I’ll reproduce the whole thing below. But first some context.
An especially ingenious BC risonymic riff. From my 1/24/23 posting “The risonymic riff”, on this gem:
(#1) Bodysnatch Cummerbund, Buffalo Custardbath, Bumblesnuff Crimpysnatch, Mr. Cabbagewank — four mockings, ridiculous manglings, of the already remarkable name Benedict Cumberbatch; otherwise, the first two paragraphs are an actual news item, accurate in its details, about the 2014 engagement of actor Benedict Cumberbatch to theatre director Sophie HunterHat tip to Susan Fischer, who brought #1 to my attention on Facebook back in December [2022]. The site starecat.com — “best memes, gifs and funny pictures online!” — is not an actual source, merely an aggregator of memes; the original risonymic riff (which is tightly constructed, as I’ll show in a moment) is clearly the work of a single creator back in 2014-15, someone who deserves credit for their ingenuity, but will probably never be identified. Which is a pity: Benedict Cumberbatch’s remarkable name has been subject to massive name mockery over the years; yet #1 is not just more of that, but a distillation of such mockery into a gem of comic writing.
… There are … three [violable] constraints on all these names, real and invented:
— remarkability: like Benedict and Cumberbatch, all the names, FN and LN, are remarkable
— dactylic: like Benedict and Cumberbatch, all the names, FN and LN, are dactyls, prosodically S W W
— B.C.: as in Benedict Cumberbatch, the initial letters of the FN + LN pairs are B.C., with these letters pronounced with a /b/ and a /k/ (not /s/ or /č/), respectively
The James Fell risonymic riff. The gloves are off, pretty much anything goes, and now there are a dozen risonyms, not just four. The first two sentences above, now the rest of the thing, with two of the risonyms boldfaced because they’ll get special attention in my discussion:
Today in history, July 19, 1976, Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch was born in London, England.
Both of Benzedrine Cloacalsplotch’s parents were actors, and his grandfather served as a submarine officer in both world wars.
At the age of eight, Benadryl Cumquat was sent to boarding school and then attended the prestigious Harrow School as an arts scholar, acting in numerous Shakespearean plays. Bellicose Custardbath had his debut at the age of 12 playing the role of Titania, Queen of the Fairies, in A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
Upon graduation from Harrow, Bandicoot Cucumberpatch did not immediately attend university, rather he traveled to Darjeeling, India, to teach English in a Tibetan Monastery for a year. Burlington Coatfactory then completed a bachelors in drama at the University of Manchester, followed by a master’s degree in classical acting at the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art.
For many years, Bumpercar Crumplezone was a celebrated stage actor in London. During that time, Benevolent Computerglitch also starred in several small television roles. Bendydick Cinderblock got his big TV break in 2010 playing the role of Sherlock Holmes.
Since then, Battlefield Yogamat has played numerous leading roles in major films, such as a Star Trek Villain, voicing a dragon in The Hobbit, an enslaver in 12 Years a Slave, The Grinch, and as Dr. Strange.
Birdfeeder Climatechange is known to struggle with pronouncing the word “penguin.”
Bannister Crumpetsack supports numerous charities, is a feminist, and a champion of LGBTQ+ rights. Beneficial Cabbagepants has been a regular on “Sexiest Man Alive” lists and was named the “Most Eligible Bachelor in the UK” in 2012. Alas, Bumblebee Cutiebutt married theatre and opera director Sophie Hunter in 2015.
Barbecue Charcuterieboard is a vegan.
Happy birthday, Benedict.
Get my sweary history book ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY SH!T WENT DOWN at JamesFell.com/books.
Comments on the Fell riff. Dactylicity and B.C.ness are both high in the Fell riff, but with many departures. To my surprise, the Fell risonyms don’t overlap with the Strangecat risonyms, although Fell’s Bellicose Custardbath comes very close to Strangecat’s Buffalo Custardbath.
As for remarkability, all of these risonyms are extravagantly unlikely as names of people; in fact, with some exceptions, they’re unlikely as the name of anything. But most — for example, Benevolent Computerglitch, Battlefield Yogamat, and Birdfeeder Climatechange — can be interpreted as having a N + N compound as their second element, and so can be read as novel nominals referring to extraordinary things, states, or events, like a benevolent computer glitch or a battlefield yoga mat ‘yoga mat for use on a battlefield’.
With one exception: Burlington CoatFactory (dactylic and B.C.), understood as Burlington Coat Factory, is not just a possible (company) name, but an actual one. From Wikipedia:
(#2) The Burlington Coat Factory in Woodland CA (photo: Deo Ferrer / Daily Democrat)Burlington, formerly known as Burlington Coat Factory, is an American national off-price department store retailer, and a division of Burlington Coat Factory Warehouse Corporation with more than 1,000 stores in 40 states and Puerto Rico, with its corporate headquarters located in Burlington Township, New Jersey
So: a perfectly good company name, but as FN + LN, it sounds like something out of a Monty Python routine, like Mr. Smoke-Too-Much from their Travel Agent sketch. Hi, I’m Burlington Coatfactory, and I’d like to slip you into a really snug parka!